Go through the ways he happily smiles upwards at you against your own cell phone monitor as he dangles his Connect of the day amongst the feet off their cargo shorts-clad foot! You understand those pouches are merely full of carabiners, hooks, and you may zero-ties! Imagine the pretty Boy Scout your went to basic college having. Consider the way they have been therefore helpful and realized all the various types of knots? Okay, today photo them grown up-up-and declining so you’re able to Venmo you $250 to own their 1 / 2 of the brand new abortion. Now visualize him rising for the sun, that he calls “nature’s noisy alarms.” In all honesty, I am not sure that is bad.
Nebraska: The fresh new Armchair Quarterback
You’ve been through about three (3) coffees dining tables this season since your boyfriend, a keen armchair quarterback out-of Nebraska, refuses to stop smashing all of them during the frustration when their team seems to lose. The guy categorically refuses to believe that the participants cannot listen to your away from their home and, this is why, their article-fumble “Get real. ” shout is actually loud. Most of the Tuesday, unfailingly, you happen to be either paying attention to him name the coach and you may member an excellent fucking moron, otherwise cold on tailgate – never in the actual games, in the event. He’ll never ever overcome the one year and he is actually nearly a 3rd-string stroll-on the kicker on Huskers, and because he talks about it all the newest really time, none can you.
Nevada: New Perma-Bachelor
If perhaps my personal match fit me together with Bradley Cooper’s performed on the Hang-over, thinks brand new Vegas Fuckboy, then my entire life would be complete. Around he goes, prowling from club with his shirt undone one to button also of a lot, slurring his terms and you may sloshing his martini. Only if they tasted as good as they look, the guy miracle so you’re able to himself. Never ever query your for taking regarding their glasses, as they are concealing a pair of crusted, bloodshot vision that have been once simple and you may packed with existence. He could be now a strolling party machine, continual so you can his members of the family: “You will get hitched? Loser! It is the unmarried life for me, brah!”, unsure he’ll feel condemned to expand a great paunch, assist their high priced suit feel discolored and you may horrible, and become one of several Las vegas casino slot games grandmothers, thumbing home towards servers and you can sipping a-two-liter bottles off eating plan Coke, aspiring to winnings this new prize off their destroyed youngsters.
“Hi girl, failed to We see you at Tri-Kap dager a week ago?” are a consistent starting gambit of your own The fresh Hampshire Fuckboy just who are Steeped However, Embarrassed About this. A beneficial Dartmouth guy through-and-through, he’s the ultimate vision out of option-lows, khaki pants, and you will a blazer which is often used within formals also on their dad’s yacht pub. Inquire your outright when the they are steeped, he will be quick to tell your his relatives don’t individual a private spray – it is only a risk for the a shared G6 between some of my father’s providers lovers. In which he does not have any a mansion to the Nantucket, it’s simply a little summer house towards seashore nearby the Obamas’ put. An enjoyable secret if you’d like to place him to your place – ask him to pronounce title regarding his very costly see (Audemars Piguet) to see him squirm.
This new Mexico: The brand new Connect
The newest Mexico, people say, ‘s the home from spell, a desert in which the road trip hopes and dreams may come real. It’s closer to a dusty horror the spot where the dudes smell of particles and you will smegma. Your brand new Mexican fuckboy, if he is out of Albuquerque, could be way too wanting to assist you sites away from Cracking Crappy – you realize, you to definitely family you can throw a pizza onto, or one crystal meth hotel – because that’s it he has. One, and his awesome “I am the one who knocks” clothing (stained), sexy Okinawas girls an extensive-brimmed hat (cannot fit), and you can Heisenberg spectacles (actually a small rigorous so that they dig in the and leave yellow, welt-such as indents on their lead). If he could be of Santa Fe, anticipate a similar however with discussions throughout the Ayahuasca thus tiresome you’ll be able to need to hurl on your own off the cliffs at Los Alamos.